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:iconelegantfaith: More from ElegantFaith


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Brilliant Lit. by LeftUnfinished

Literature by rockgem

Writing by invader-zim42


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Submitted on
November 26, 2009
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 There are people who know why the world revolves
   why monkeys and fossils evolve
 why the Catskills continue to erode and devolve
why cartilage and bones corrode and dissolve

        this could be why we dream.

 When earthquakes and volcanoes break out and layer up
   and cover our eyes with a cloth of dust
  like a frosty morning makes a field look like a tiled floor.

 When dreaming breaks our souls into pieces instead
   of puzzling our consciousness together
  like fighting fire is a job as well as revenge.

 When lakes begin to look more like graveyards
   and emotions begin to feel trapped inside skin
  it's what whale skeletons feel at the bottom of the ocean.

 Our expressions have two games
   and the truth is
  erosion isn’t just external.
Goodness, thanks for the DD.  Very much appreciated. :)
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-05-12
Vivid images and deft off-rhyme carry the reader through Erosion of the Catskills by ElegantFaith ( Featured by ShadowedAcolyte )
:iconcole-y:
Cole-y Featured By Owner May 12, 2014
the images in this are stunning
Reply
:iconelegantfaith:
ElegantFaith Featured By Owner May 25, 2014   Writer
Thank you so much
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:iconglynadougen:
GlynaDougen Featured By Owner May 12, 2014   General Artist
Oh yes.
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:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner May 12, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
I’m very happy for you!!! :iconloveloveplz: :tighthug:
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:iconelegantfaith:
ElegantFaith Featured By Owner May 25, 2014   Writer
aww thank you . :)
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:iconschriftsteller:
schriftsteller Featured By Owner May 12, 2014   Writer
This is brilliant. I usually hate any sort of rhyme but once I got past that fact I really enjoyed the imagery and thoughts behind the poem itself. Wonderful work well-deserving of a DD. Congrats!
Reply
:iconelegantfaith:
ElegantFaith Featured By Owner May 25, 2014   Writer
ha, rhyme poems are tough little things.  Thanks for trying out something your normally dislike - I can understand why.
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:iconschriftsteller:
schriftsteller Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014   Writer
Of course. You did it wonderfully!
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:iconarhodiana:
Arhodiana Featured By Owner May 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This has inspired me so much!
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:iconelegantfaith:
ElegantFaith Featured By Owner May 25, 2014   Writer
goodness, thank you!  If you make any art inspired by this I'd love to see it!
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:iconarhodiana:
Arhodiana Featured By Owner May 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I'll work on it! :D
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:iconbeleave:
beleave Featured By Owner May 12, 2014
a lot of really good lines; not convinced they all belong together.

great stuff still. keep up with this kind of feeling and thinking :))
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:iconelegantfaith:
ElegantFaith Featured By Owner May 25, 2014   Writer
Thanks, there's always more to learn.
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:iconhelsinge:
Helsinge Featured By Owner May 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
"it's what whale skeletons feel at the bottom of the ocean"

I love every line in this poem but that one in particular struck me.  Beautiful.
Reply
:iconelegantfaith:
ElegantFaith Featured By Owner May 25, 2014   Writer
Thank you my friend.  That's my favorite line too.  :)
Reply
:iconshadowedacolyte:
ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2014
Hi! I'm here to critique this piece for CRITmas! You didn't specifically ask for critique on this piece, but you said to find something of interest in your gallery, and this really caught my eye. The usual disclaimers: 1) this is my opinion, which you're free to reject if you wish; and 2) this critique will dwell more on the negative things I have to say than the positive ones, just because of the nature of critique.

I'll go through the poem start to finish and then I'll talk about what I think the biggest issue keeping the poem from being better than it is.

Title: I like it. It's completely concrete but it suggests all sorts of possible emotions and abstract meanings--it's a good hook, setting up the poem. well.

Stanza 1 (S1): "souls" as the first word of note is very abstract, which makes the opening line significantly weaker than the title. "oozing" is also an overdramatic word. The second half of the line is stronger, but the lack of an antecedent for "it" renders it puzzling, and not in a good way. I think replacing "souls" with a concrete, singular noun that conveys your emotion here will neaten, clarify, and improve this line. Another fix might be cutting it entirely; it doesn't seem well connected to the rest of the piece.

S2: As someone who really loves the intersection of science and poetry, this really works for me. I really like the sounds, the cadence, and the mix of ideas presented here, all creatively and freshly. I will note that fossils don't evolve, and a fix that sounds good to my ear might be something like "why fossils form and monkeys evolve". Likewise, cavities are what's left from corrosion and dissolution, not what corrodes and dissolves. "cartilage" might be a good replacement (it keeps the sonics, although it has a more gruesome tone).

S3: The italics here are a weak choice, I think, as is the decision to shift the speaker from the initial narrative voice to this new one. Unlike the first line, I wouldn't suggest cutting this, because drawing in "dream"s right after a very sciency stanza is a good idea. As a word it helps transition to the emotional stanzas that follow. I would suggest keeping the narrative voice constant, instead of switching into a new voice. I'd also avoid the use of "this" without either an antecedent or an immediate postcedent.

S4: I like the freshness of "cloth of dust". "When" is a bit confusing here, which multiplies in the later stanzas, but I'll tackle that at the end.

S5: This is probably my favorite stanza. The first two lines are almost overwhelmingly abstract, which is normally a bad thing, but the example given in the last line gives a visceral, relateable example.

S6: "souls" here is definitely not carrying enough weight to appear a third time in the same poem. "whale skeletons" is a good visual, but the emotional impact of the last line here is lacking.

S7: The sharp downward turn of the last two stanzas, punctuated here, turn an introspective poem into a melancholy one, but that's not necessarily a problem. However, this last stanza's imagery is the most cliche, and as an ending it is lackluster. I'd probably like the whole poem better with this stanza cut, as opposed to edited.

Artist's Comments?: I don't know if this bit is supposed to be part of the poem, but it's semi-ridiculousness makes it a poor tone fit with some of the rest of the poem. However, "Earth is our mousetrap" is a much fresher way of stating the point of S7, so it would make a better ending. If that was your intention, I think it's an odd and ineffective way of using dA's structure.

The Big Issue: Despite solid, mostly fresh imagery, in many ways this poem is too vaguely presented to properly convey what you seem to want to convey (based on your comment below). There are a lot of pronouns without antecedents, and phrases that seem incomplete, like there are missing lines. All of the lines that start with "when" would be stronger stanza openers without "when", and I'd revise to get rid of "it" wherever it appears. I think that clarifying the basic elements of this piece (science! -> dreams -> mix of dreams and science -> sadness), and then editing to remove lines/phrases that don't contribute to those elements, would be a really good way to go. A higher degree of structure, and structure planning, would really improve this piece.

Thanks for sharing your work. I'd love to see another version again if you decide to edit, or to answer any questions you might have about the above.
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:iconelegantfaith:
ElegantFaith Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2014   Writer
Goodness!  Thanks so much for the critique!  This is one of the best crits I've ever gotten for poetry.  I know writing these crits takes lots of time, so again, thanks for putting so much time into this.  This has helped me learn to clear up my poetry writing, which is something I struggle with.  I've actually never really taken any sort of class for poetry, so I enjoy getting feedback and learning.  I'm vague, and people say that quite a bit- you're not the first.  That's something I need to work through.  I'll take your advice into consideration when I do a rewrite.  This piece is older, so now that I've grown as a writer I can use your crit to really make this piece shine. 

I especially appreciate your thoughts at the end when you talk about Artists Comments and Big Issues.  That's something I'm really going to have to digest and practice and work on.  Thanks for pointing out these problems, especially my repeating use of 'when'. 

Thanks again.  I appreciate all the work you've put into this crit!  I'll do a rewrite soon and clean this piece up.  :)
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:iconshadowedacolyte:
ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2014
No problem! Let me know when you do!
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:iconphoenix1237:
phoenix1237 Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2009
i was going to say i really like __ line but then i looked at the other lines and found i love every single line... so awesome job! :)
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:iconelegantfaith:
ElegantFaith Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2009   Writer
lol, thank you!
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:iconphoenix1237:
phoenix1237 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2009
haha np
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:iconlatenightlady:
LateNightLady Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2009  Professional Writer
I am in aww of you - so beautifully written.
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:iconelegantfaith:
ElegantFaith Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2009   Writer
:hug: Thanks for the comment. It's really appreciated.
Reply
:iconrunnrabbitrunn:
RUNNrabbitRUNN Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2009
the imagry in this is fantastic!
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:iconelegantfaith:
ElegantFaith Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2009   Writer
thank you :)
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:iconwalk-on-air:
walk-on-air Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2009
"When dreaming breaks our souls into pieces instead
of puzzling our consciousness together".

I love the use of the word "puzzling" there, and the whole imagery of this sentence. It's beautiful. x
Reply
:iconelegantfaith:
ElegantFaith Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2009   Writer
Thanks. I wasn't sure if puzzling was actually a word... :)
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:iconthisdemonblack:
thisdemonblack Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2009
hm i like this. lots of big thoughts in there. totally a sucker for those.
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:iconelegantfaith:
ElegantFaith Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2009   Writer
Big thoughts make life more fantastical.
Reply
:icondewflower:
Dewflower Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2009
is the rest of the poem a responce to the second stanza, about the people who know why the world revolves? you could add a colen there.

otherwise...great thought-out poem, cryptic but understandable, and awesome metaphors ;]
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:iconelegantfaith:
ElegantFaith Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2009   Writer
In my head, I figured the line this could be why we dream was spoken aloud by the people who know why the world revolves. They're saying all the things that have happened (erosion of mountain ranges, evolution of species, the hardships of growing old) spark our dreams at night.

The next three stanzas go further into reasons why we dream. Revenge, natural disasters, depression...

Then the last couple lines...they came out of nowhere. :D

At least that's how it works in my head. If you read it differently, let me know. I like hearing other people's interpretations.
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:icondewflower:
Dewflower Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2009
O...i see how you see it like that. thats not how I interprited it at all.

I see it as explainig the last stanza. the first two stanzas are explainging that people know why were dream. The stanzas in the middle are leading up the the last stanza, which is explaining that we dream because "We are buried while we're alive" you get it?
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:iconelegantfaith:
ElegantFaith Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2009   Writer
Yeah, I get it. :)
That's a cool way to think about it. I guess it makes more sense to read the poem from the last line backwards, too.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's interesting to hear other people's views.
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:iconbamo1987:
bamo1987 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2009
if the Earth is our mousetrap, who set it? good poem, thought provoking with vivid description. Good work!
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:iconelegantfaith:
ElegantFaith Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2009   Writer
erm...god set it? lol I have no idea. Maybe you did!!!

Thanks for reading. :)
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